Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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