WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Barsexuality is the new black.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
