if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
