Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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