i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Houston, we have a blender
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
