I will die if light touches me.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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