Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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