ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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