3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
