you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just invented taco cereal.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
