I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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