Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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