She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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