Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
