No awkward lesbian experiences without me
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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