literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
