i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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