You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
