I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
