i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
