the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
