Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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