I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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