If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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