If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
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You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
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May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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