Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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