it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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