I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
