Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
