when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...