My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
