I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
