I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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