My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
