the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
