I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
