there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We don't watch enough power rangers
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
