i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
