At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
