with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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