I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
