You really coming over, don't trick.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
