No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The uberlube is also flammable
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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