All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
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I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
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How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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