The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
