apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
