i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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