ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
