I wish I could teleport
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
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