she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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