the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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