I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
