yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I just burned my penis
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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