i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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