mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
