fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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