I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
