My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
