I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
