I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
