sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
