Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
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He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
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I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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